Hello guys it’s been so long since my last post and here I
am back in action… I just hope!
I thought I share you my experience about the matter.
Miscarriage, a simple word yet it is heavy in so many ways, at least that’s
what I know. Yes, I miscarried and yes, I was pregnant. I was delayed for 2
weeks which I’m actually worried because if I got delayed 1 week is the most!
So, we tried pregnancy test (PT) it was EKKA DAY Wednesday 11th of
August and it was positive which to me was well, unexpected! I thought its
negative because the second line showed a little late than the first line but
no it’s POSITIVE!!!
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It’s positive yes! I informed Jim right away he was having
dinner with Jasmine. He was happy and so am I although to be honest I was a
little sad because we were supposed to go to Philippines to celebrate festive
season but apparently it’s not going to happen because by December my tummy is
big and I’m in my 5th months (supposedly). We set an appointment to
GP for check-up and so… blood test, urine test. During my first month I felt
dizzy whenever I move, I don’t like the smell of perfume but I had no problem
with the foods, yes I know these feelings and its normal for first trimester of
pregnancy but there was a discomfort feeling because of the abdominal cramping.
Pain? Yes there was a pain in my lower abdomen, at first it was just on my left
lower abdomen. We inform the GP about it and told him that I didn’t experience
abdominal cramping during my first pregnancy and he said that it’s normal
because the uterus is actually preparing for the expansion so I was a little
relief.
The pain continued. 27th
of September while at work I bled, it was brownish discharge but it was just
small amount, I was alarmed offcourse who wouldn’t? It’s not normal for a
pregnancy women who had a brown discharge. Then, it happened again 30th
of September it was Saturday the color was brighter than the first but I didn’t
feel any pain. Monday October 2, it happened until Wednesday the day of our
check-up. I inform the GP about the blood and he said it’s normal but I told
him that NO that there is something wrong with me and that it’s not normal for
a pregnant women to bleed. So, we insisted for Ultra sound because I want to
know what the hell is happening to me and why am I bleeding! He agreed only
because Jim and I were asking for it, thanks god!
On the same day, we went to the
hospital for the Ultrasound but before that of course I did/followed what they
told me to do prior to the procedure. I was lying on the bed waiting for the
nurse to start. Excited! Yes I was! Waiting for the procedure to start and then
looking at monitor whew and hoping that the baby inside me was okay. The nurse
was doing her job, focused onto the monitor holding Doppler on her right hand
while on my abdomen to examine. I can see there’s a little smirk on her face,
was it a sign for good or bad that I had no idea. After like 10 mins if I’m not
mistaken she said she couldn’t see the fetus properly so she suggested to do
the INTERNAL ULTRASOUND or Transvaginal ultrasound and so I agreed, we agreed. Jim
was in that room beside me.
Transvaginal Ultrasound, I haven’t
done this before but for the sake of my baby just to know he/she okay I was
actually willing to do so. Upon the procedure, it took us 10 mins or more Jim
said he already had an Idea when he looked at nurse face. The nurse asked me if
I’m actually sure with the dates, meaning the LMP (last menstrual period) I
said yes because how can I forget that day It was my friend’ birthday. Then the
nurse said that they can’t hear the baby’s heart beat and based on the date
that we gave the embryo’s size didn’t match for the 12 weeks (I was on my 12
weeks supposedly). It didn’t sink in, I was like what is this nurse saying, she
continued to speak, and she also said that the baby died on 7weeks also, she
explained that outside of my sac was covered by blood. “I am sorry you
miscarried” she said and hugged me. I was speechless, shock to be precise! You
know the feeling, it was mixed! I was blanked! “I miscarried”! Is this for
real? I miscarried! So all along I’d been carrying a dead fetus in my womb! What’s
the point of taking Elevit everyday the fact that the baby was dead already?
Jasmine, she was always telling me to take my vitamins for the baby. The doctor
came and he was saying something, what was he’s saying I don’t know actually my
mind was whew I don’t know either. The nurse hugged me, and then suddenly my
eyes were raining… it’s sad at that moment.
Jim was comforting me, he
volunteered to drive but I refused. I was driving quietly, tears falling down
Jim was handing me tissue and to be honest we got lost hahaha whew! I was
thinking what did I do wrong, I didn’t do any strenuous activity for the baby
to die. I was actually extra careful. My Angel, it was gone, I had so many
ideas lining up for my angel. Jasmine was excited for the baby as well. Jim was
actually planning for the baby shower but it’s not going to happen anymore. The
moment I knew and confirmed that I was pregnant I informed my family and few friends.
They were happy, I was happy, we were happy because wow another addition to the
family. Our family is growing.
It was actually different feeling from the way you are just watching it on TV that the women got miscarried than the reality where it happened to you. I can’t do anything about it, I know and I know that God has always have plan. My husband keep on telling me that it’s not my fault but to be honest I don’t want to blame anyone but from the moment I informed my GP about what I had felt about the abdominal cramping that he said nothing aside from it was normal I was thinking if only he pay attention to my complain we could at least do something or if only I’m in Philippines they will know why or what was happening but it is wrong for me to think these things and looking for someone to blame. So, I guess no one is to blame but on the very deep side of my head it’s me.
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